Stardate: 436Ps, Earthdate: 11/27/2023, Sell-by Date: Long Overdue
Hello again
It's pretty fun to have a diary/journal/blag. Since last time, I've voted, set up the barebones of an index, and emailed and talked to a professor. It went... acceptably. Honestly, it went basically as I should expect. It was a high anxiety day so I don't really have good memories of the call but altogether I got good info. In addition since last time, my HRT dosages have been adjusted, I visited a friend in Canada for turkey day break, and I cried a lot.
It's nice to be able to cry. With that, I've felt a lot more fragile. At the same time, I've felt much more engaged with the world around me. I've been working on exercising and cooking. I cooked naan for my Canadian friend and it was delicious. I cooked spicy baked chicken twice there, as well, and pasta once for myself. I'm trying to increase my reliance on cooking to decrease my consumption of unhealthy food.
I have a Calculus of Several Variables exam in two days, as well as homework for both it and abstract algebra due tomorrow.
In addition, I'm thinking more and more about dropping my CS major in favor of majoring just in Maths.
For a lot of reasons, 1. I find math more enjoyable right now. Maths challenge me more and I think working with maths would be more fun for me later in life. 2. There are more math classes I want to take. If I drop CS, I can fit in several more math classes. I can't fit in everything I want, but I can fit in a few more topics. 3. I don't want to take the remaining CS classes. The remaining CS classes focus on the software development life cycle I've worked in companies that use agile and I've attended actual scrum meetings. Those CS classes focus on busywork and memorization-based assignments and I find myself struggling to focus on them. I'm still recovering from burn out and while I do plan to eventually go to work at software companies, I would like more time before then.
So like, increasingly that seems like the best option to me. It would involve using my last W to drop intermediate software design, but, that seems like the play. The longer I think on this, the more it feels like it's only pride keeping me in CS. Everyone tells me I sound like a math major. I enjoy hanging out with math majors more. I can feel that there's a part of me that's worried about disappointing people. I don't know.
Before I see you again, I should have decided whether or not to switch to pure maths, completed several homework assignments, taken a calculus exam, cooked more chicken, and be sore from exercising again.
Stardate: 436Ps, Earthdate: 10/30/2023, Dinnerdate: candlelit, chicken parmesan, two hour-long discussion of ratfic and the genre of mystery
Hello World!
I have finally created a personal website, this is probably at least like seven years late. I could have been so cool and hip and young but instead I am still young but less hip and more lazy.
I learned the necessary HTML years ago but wrote all this up in the hour before sleep. I have an exam wednesday. I'm not worried about it but life isn't about not being worried.
32.6 Ms (377 days) prior to today, I began mtf hrt. Since then, I've felt like a human being and I've actually been able to look forward to the future. 1 Ms (12 days) ago, I stopped taking SSRIs after about a week of tapering. Escitalopram, specifically. It possibly wasn't the best decision but I decided it was a fairly good time. And it was. I didn't get hit by any major withdrawal symptoms except one particularly rough day. With that gone, I'm now sort of rawdogging life. All emotions are my own.
It's rather motivating, actually. Sometimes I cry. Well, actually a good bit of the time. But it feels good. I feel alive. And I am happy. So, with all this said, I'm feeling up for projects. This is probably the first project that wasn't motivated by a hyperfixation I've started in... a very long time. I just thought, "I should do this, it would probably tangibly improve my life" and then I did.
In a large way, I think this worked because there wasn't much anxious momentum/stuffs built up behind it. For other life-improvement tasks, there will be more wires to untangle first.
But, I think I can do that.
Before I see you again, I should have voted, set up the barebones of the other pages, and emailed a professor.